Loving ... Learning ... Lessons

I realize I haven’t shared much of what has been going on recently and I’m sorry for that. I just posted an entry last night, but I wanted to post another one quickly- I feel that an explanation or “progress report” is needed.

While much of my frustration and sorrow the past few weeks has been due to “Culture Shock”, it’s actually more than just that. About week 4 ½ is when culture shock hit, then at the week 5 mark everything else hit and I wasn’t (to go along with expectations) expecting it. I guess I expected other things to happen and for God to work in other areas of my life- things I wanted him to work on with me. Why do we (well I guess I can only speak for myself) think that we know exactly what we need?

The main thing I’ve struggled with this past year at Biola has been with academics. No, I didn’t flunk out of my third year of school (first year as a transfer at Biola) don’t worry. Actually I did surprisingly well. Of course all of us college students wish we took some classes more seriously sometimes, but hey, we have to have a little fun right? It’s in our job description. Anyway … Biola has been amazing and I wouldn’t take back any of this past year. But to be honest it was a rough year fighting the feelings of inadequacy. I feel like I am so far behind everyone else in my classes; bible and international development. It’s frustrating feeling like I’m not smart enough, that I’m not cut out to do development work, and that what I’m doing now is useless here in Rwanda.

But then that one person comes along (Toby) who tells me that what I’m feeling are lies from the world and from Satan. It’s a battle he helps me fight usually every week at school, and it’ll take a while to overcome, but I’m ok with this “process of developing”. Thanks Tobe ;)

So how does this relate to Rwanda and what’s going on here? Well …

My job/internship kinda went downhill and I began to feel an incredible amount of disappointment. I was already disappointed with myself for allowing my frustration with cultural differences get the best of me, but on top of that I began feeling disappointed with my internship and that I wasn’t getting “the most” out of it. Before coming here I thought, “Yes! This summer is my chance to catch up so I can participate in discussions in my development classes next year instead of sitting there hoping Dr. Greene won’t call on me.” I felt like everything that was happening with my “job” was out of my control.

I told you my work in Cyeza and with Mechtild got really slow for a couple weeks while she had other activities to do and meetings to be at. For days all I would write about in my journal was how bored I was and frustrated that I wasn’t able to go anywhere myself. It really wasn’t “safe” for me to try to go out and find other ways to be productive in the community. But being inside all day wasn’t my idea of fun. Then when I tried to fix the situation and make a change I got denied and that's when I felt like I was at my ultimate low here. I was overwhelmed, emotionally exhausted and drained. For a while, probably too long, I was angry with the world and with God. How could He tell me to come to Rwanda then leave me out here feeling like this was a wasted summer? Is it a wasted summer?

Absolutely not!

(On a side note real quick … I just want to remind you how hard this is writing to you, my sponsor, my friend, my family. You have supported me financially, emotionally, and spiritually and the last thing I want is for my honesty to make you feel is that your investment in me has been taken to the dumps. It certainly hasn’t. I feel like sometimes I don’t always understand why things happen the way they do until some time has passed. Sometimes it takes longer than other times, but already at the beginning of this week I am starting to come out of this “slump”). With that said …

From the small lens I’m able to see my life through, I know that God did bring me here to Rwanda for a reason. Maybe it was for development reasons that I’m unaware of at the moment. Maybe this experience got my foot in the door for a future job after I graduate next May. Or maybe it has been for some other significant event that will take place in the future. I mean … I have learned a lot about Rwanda and development in the community I work in. I think it just wasn’t the full experience of planning and assessment like I thought it would be- like what I learned in school and saw some other interns here experiencing. Apart from the job … God has been working in many ways.

Without spilling out all my struggles in life on you, I’ll say that through this experience I’ve learned a lot. (Maybe I’ll go more in depth in a couple days when I do my “wrap it up” shpeal). But the two main things I have been learning about here the past 7 weeks are love and patience. The two kinda go hand in hand. Love without patience is not really love. Our Great God calls us to love Him and love others. So many times I look back, this summer and before, on all the times I’ve failed at being patient; I’ve failed at loving. Is it really so difficult for me to do? Ya, actually it is … But the first step has been the Lord revealing that to me and putting me in situations (little by little) and showing me ways to practice loving Him and people through patience. Especially with the job situation and things "not going my way" ... He's showing me how I should be practicing patience- by putting my trust in God for He will work all things out for the good and for His glory!

I’m smiling this week. I don’t remember laughing or showing much emotion a couple weeks ago or even last week, but God is working in my heart and waking me up everyday whispering in my ear, “Kristina, today is a new day!” And I am so thankful that His mercies are new every morning. It's a pretty incredible thing if you think about it.

There is more in this world than my cares and worries. There is a world out there full of people who need to hear the word of God and come to experience Christ’s love for them and the desire He has to save their lives from the bondage of sin and death that we cannot deny we live in everyday. This world, both believers and non-believers can experience our Lord’s grace today and every day for the rest of their lives if they choose to. I hope and pray for our Maker, Creator, and Savior to dwell in you today and be your ultimate provider for your daily needs. Allow Him to work in your heart like He is working in mine today. He is good … trust in our Father in Heaven.